


Exhausted

by artisticNutcase



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Confessions, Exhaustion, F/M, Friendship, Talking, pillows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-01
Updated: 2012-10-01
Packaged: 2017-11-15 10:57:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/526535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artisticNutcase/pseuds/artisticNutcase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Latula is exhausted. Kankri finds her in a dream room someday while she is just trying to relax and dropped her "r4d gurl" attitude.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exhausted

**Author's Note:**

> Oneshot
> 
> Tenses: Will be switched depending on the current story line (present) or things that happened earlier/sweeps ago (past)

Your name is KANKRI VANTAS and you are trying to find a friend of yours. Latula passed you a couple of minutes ago, rambling about someone or something. She seemed distressed. You thought about following her. You contemplated what her actions might be and whether you were in the position to follow her and ask her whether she is alright. Usually a moirail would do this, but you doubt she has one. And even if she did have one you are not aware of who they are and cannot inform them of the situation. There didn't seem to be any other situations that called for your assistance or help with triggers and privileges. You started walking after her but lost sight of her and don't know where she went. 

You take a look around. There's a few directions which she may have walked or rolled into if she used her four wheeled toy. There is a shut door right ahead. You believe to remember this door from somewhere and instantly associate it with Latula. It was probably in her hive or on her dream tower or some place like that. You approach it. You subconsciously tug at your sweater to straighten it and run your hand through your hair to make it appear less messy. You do not carry around a comb like a certain cigarette chewing sea dweller, but in this moment it couldn't hurt to make yourself look good. For some reason you want to look your best when Latula lays her white, dead eyes on you. You are not a fool. You know why you want her to think you're good-looking. But you try not to think about the reason.

You push open the door and see your friend immediately. She is resting on a pile of pillows and blankets and rubbing the bridge of her nose, eyes closed. She is holding her glasses in one hand. Her shoes have been kicked off lazily. And are on the floor that is beneath your feet. You know that she is aware of your presence, yet she doesn't lift a finger, doesn't make a movement to get up and look like the “r4d gurl” she always seems to be. Instead she is just laying there. Defeated, tired and somehow stressed.

She then glances at you, removing her fingers from her nose. “Kankri?” She seems confused. “What are you doing... What's up?” She must have thought that what she was going to ask first sounded rude. 

You are not entirely sure about how to respond to that. Nothing is “up”. You are doing just fine. Lecturing, being dead, all that stuff is fun to you or at least it doesn't bother you. The only thing that is not working for you is that Latula is not well. You open your mouth to speak and shut it again. The next words had to be thought of carefully before being spoken. Only after a while and a few times of her cocking her head to each side you raise your voice.  
“Hello. I am aware that my presence in your private quarters is unexpected and if you wish that I leave I will do so, of course. But to respond to your question: Nothing is “up”. I am doing quite fine and you needn't worry about me. As a matter of fact, I began to worry about your condition when you passed me earlier. I thought I may have heard you mutter a few things that may or may not be triggering. I refused to step in, though, since you appeared to be not well. I considered leaving you alone. But you may want someone to discuss your feelings with and I am not aware of the whereabouts of your moirail or whether someone is in that position with you right now. If you ask me to bring them instead I shall go and find them. But if you do not mind, and I will remind you that I will not be offended if you do not want me to, but if you do not mind I will gladly listen and take the spot of a moirail for a brief moment.”

You look at her, only now realizing that you've been staring at your feet the entire time while talking. She is looking at you with her white eyes. Her glasses still aren't back on her nose and that is unusual. You wait patiently for a response. There is no need to rush the distressed troll in front of you. You have more than enough time to spend here.

“Sure.” She says and pats the spot beside her on the pile. “Sit with me. I'd be more than glad to talk to you.” She smiles. You notice that her smile is full of exhaustion. You walk over after closing the door and take a seat beside her. She is sprawled out on the blankets and pillows, but you don't follow suit. Instead you sit up straight like a “proper” or “well behaved” troll would. You glance at her. She isn't looking at you or observing you. She is only looking up, seemingly thinking about something important. You clear your throat to capture her attention, causing her to turn her head towards you. “Would you like to discuss the matter at hand? What happened? You seemed to be in a bad mood.” You keep the questions brief, giving her time to answer you.  
She makes an audible sigh and looks back up into nothingness. “I...” She starts, but then falls silent again. “Nothing in particular happened. It was just... Mituna.” The mentioning of her matesprit sends a chill down your spine. You wish it wouldn't. You had always expected her to find someone to make her happy sooner or later. You didn't take your chance to be that someone. You had the chance but you blew it. Yet, does the one person, supposed to make this girl happy, cause her harm?

She continues to speak. She must have figured that you are not going to ask any further questions and decided to keep talking. “Don't be so shocked.” Did you make a face? Strange. “You know him, he isn't... easy to deal with.” She is looking at you but then looks down at the socks on her feet. “I am glad that I have this bond with him. Our relationship is precious to me and all that, but-” She pauses. “It's just so tiring sometimes. I know he doesn't want to freak out the way he does and I know that all these little things he does are not his fault. Sometimes they're cute, alright. His little quirks. How I can make him happy with just little things and how he appreciates that stuff, but sometimes I feel like it's too much. Now and then I think about how a relationship with someone more-” She makes another pause, obviously thinking about a matching word or term. “healthy would be easier and better. I can't even have a decent conversation with him. And even if I told him all this he couldn't change it. Maybe he wouldn't even understand it correctly.” She looks at you. Her expression shows sadness and worry. “Does this make me a bad matesprit Kankri?” 

You were not expecting this. Sure, there are rumors about their strange connection, but you refuse to believe all the rumors told about everyone and everything. It would show ingorance of the truth, which is not a characteristic you possess. You see her looking at you, looking for answers in you. Maybe your eloquent essays impressed her somehow. And because of that she believes you can answer her question. You think about it. You are not intending to hurt Latula's feelings. Especially not when she is already feeling like this. But you forbid yourself to lie to her. It does not make her a bad matesprit. All the things she said make sense and are understandable. After all, she's only a troll like you. She has her limits. She is probably just better at hiding it when she has reached them. You look away from her. How did it turn into this? You wanted to be in Mituna's position. But would you be any better? No one can answer that question. You will ask yourself this for eternity.

“I do not believe that it makes you someone bad in any way.” You turn back towards her. “No one should be allowed to judge whether you are good or bad but yourself, as most trolls judge incorrectly. You are just tired. You make the largest of efforts to make your mate content and happy. That alone expresses the care and appreciation you feel for others. Living beings have limits. You may be able to expand what you're capable of, but someday, you too will be at a moment where you have no options of going any further. You have been strong for a long time. You have the right to be exhausted now. I suggest you take a break. Maybe finding a moirail would be a splendid idea as well, as they will care for the health of your mind and will put you at ease in a situation like this. Mituna has a moirail, does he not? In that case leave him in his pale partner's care now and then. I am aware that my advice on how to behave inside a quadrant is partially erroneous. As I am certain you know, I have not filled my very own.” 

Latula nods. She understands what you are trying to bring across. Excellent. Your gaze turns to the door. This was probably sufficient to calm her. You are about to get up from the pile when her voice stops you. “What about you?” The question confuses you and you look back at her, your mouth slightly opened. Your expression must show your confusion as she continues as soon as she notices it. She sits up. “What about your quadrants? Why don't you want to fill them?” You stay put in the pile. You stare at your lap, where your folded hands are resting.  
“I do not feel the need to fill my quadrants. Neither do any of the present trolls give me the desire to be in a closer relationship than proper friendship with. All but one that is. But that one troll does not have interest in me. And even if I were to engage in a relationship with a mate I would not be able or allowed to fulfill every part of the bond. You are aware of my vows and promises. I do not intend to break them. The breaking of promises and vows has cost a number of trolls their lives. Furthermore I do not stand for broken vows but for intact and kept ones.” You are about to continue but notice that she does not seem interested in yet another one of your essays. So instead of continuing you fall silent. Her question is answered, after all.

The girl is obviously surprised by your sudden silence. It would allow you to continue, but you have decided not to and are not changing your mind. Instead she takes the opportunity to speak. “Kankri... I am that troll, right?” Your eyes widen a little and your gaze darts around as your cheeks flush red. She is correct. It wasn't a surprise for you that she was aware, though. But neither of you have ever openly and bluntly spoken about it like this. You attempt to find an answer. More than just agreeing with her. Maybe an explanation to justify your feelings. But there is none. Feelings are a thing that not the longest essay could explain or grasp. Obviously you know this because you have tried many times. You nod. “Indeed.” You sigh. “You are that troll. Oddly enough I am incapable of explaining myself. I do know that you are no longer a possibility for my quadrants. And yet...” You bury your face in your hands. Then you raise your head again. “I apologize, Latula. I believe we both know that we used to be in a rather complicated situation. I used to wonder about your emotions and feelings. You were not with Mituna, yet. I had planned to discuss this with you and assert my strong feelings. I had written essays for you. For my confession. But somehow - and I can not grasp why - I couldn't do it. I could not tell you or read my essays to you.” You look at her. “Why am I capable of speaking about it like this now?”

Latula smiles a little and before you know it she touches you. You don't like being touched. At least usually you don't. But now she is just holding you gently. Maybe in a way she would hold Mituna. You don't think about it. You hug her back, arms around her body. You do it on an impulse. You hear her voice. “Spontaneous confessions are most of the time easier than planned ones. Because the best moment can not be planned.” She lets go, but her hands remain on your shoulders. She faces you. “I felt about you the same way you did and do about me. But you always sent me confusing signals and I thought you weren't interested.” She glances down. “Maybe I even still have feelings like that for you. I'm actually sure that I do. But I have those feelings for Mituna, as well.” You frown, although trying not to. 

“Kankri, you are a very important and close friend to me. And while there are feelings... that's the way it has to stay. But don't feel bad, alright? I don't know whether we would have worked out together or not. No one knows that. But things are pretty okay like this, too, right?” She smiles, encouraging you to look on the bright side. “I am really glad that you followed me and are concerned about me. Relationship or not, I want you to continue caring about me, even if it's just as a friend.”  
You nod and pull her a little closer to you. “Can I expect you to listen to my essays again?”

She giggles a little. “Anytime.”

You make a small smile. “Alright then. I'll be there for your whenever you want to talk or whenever you're exhausted.”

You continue talking with Latula about different things, leaving hours later. You may have been too late for a romantic relationship, but it seems you are just in time for friendship and if that's what makes her happy it will make you happy, too. Because you care for her and she cares for you and you've been through a lot together. More than anyone can imagine.


End file.
